Hi, name’s Vivi, also known as a fan who’s existence is what you’ll never know of. Let’s start with saying, it isn’t a whole episode of love at first sight where your appearance catches my eye and everything goes on from here, My first impression of you was below average, wonky eyes, thin lips, skinny and looks like a monkey, it was pretty much a far cry from somebody I would be normally attracted to, but those flaws I used to dislike became the most unique features of you that I grew to love and adore so much. 

There’s something about the way you dance, the way your moves are so fluid and exactly in sync with the beat of the music, and when you’d dance, i would stare in awe as you put your entire soul into every movement, every pose. I was struck by that. To give your every breath, your very heart to something you loved. You taught me about what it means to put your all into something. You taught so many the same lesson. You are probably one of the many dancers i’ve seen that dances with so much passion and soul sometimes it could even feel it within me. Despite being named a dancing machine and the almost-flawless skills, you are still finding it inadequate and still worked hard to make it even better. 

And finally, that one day, where i was in that audience, jaw agape, amazed by your beauty, in awe of your grace, seeing you bring life to music that I love so much. I saw you do everything i’ve always wished i could see in real life, despite you being on stage, and i amongst the moshpit, it was enough to touch me to tears. 

I love the way you smile, i love the way eye wrinkles appear whenever you do, i love the way you smile with the light pink gums showing, i love the way you could smile right through my heart, i love seeing you happy and i hope you never stopped smiling because you look beautiful doing it. 

I try to put this feeling into words, but fail miserably. It isn’t the man and woman kind of love, where love grows over the capacity of one’s heart and the person becomes every reason of the other’s existence. But your emotions affects mine, I tear when I get touched by the simplest things you may do, i get upset when there’s hate against you. 

I have no other words to describe the way you make me feel. No words, no actions could even come close, i always wondered, just how much work earn you the glamor and fame, days and years of practive, days and years of sweat and tears, on that already lean frame of yours, what kind of responsiblity and dream lies upon, i try to imagine being your place, but i couldn’t even take the simplest task of thriving hard for an exam, let alone what you’ve gone through. Minus the lights and camera, i still think you are just an ordinary twentyplus with a dream from the start pushing you on

I have the way you’re always bowing hard when thanking etched in my brain. The way you wipe off your tears but still tries to keep a smile on your face, the way you’re always so grateful, the way you always try to keep a closer distance with us, you are somebody that exeeds as an idol, you are a role model, somebody i am always learning things from. 

Nobody in the world is flawless, or perfect. You are not the best dancer in the world, but we know you’re trying to improve, your flaws make you unique. I don’t know how to put this into words but i think the way you couldn’t sing a song without cracking at a few notes, the way you used to be mocked at for watching porn and being inhygenic and the fact that your eyes are a little different at size make you you. 

You are, lee hyuk jae, dancer/rapper of super junior, thick defined jawline, wonky eyes, skinny, you don’t have a born charisma, but a silly gummy smile that attracts me, you don’t have the appeal from first sight, but countless nights of practice and numerous performance experience, the shining jewel, the strawberry milk lover, the funny person on variety shows, the DJ, the one who’s always so grateful, i love everyside of you, while i’m still growing to understand you more. 

You are, a role model, an idol, a singer, a dancer, a friend, and to me, a gleam of light in my darkest nights, the simplest moves you do could be something that would never leave my mind. It is almost magical how a nasty mood of mine can change a 180 degrees to smiling from ear to ear when i watch you in a video or a seeing picture of yours after a bad day, thank you for every single smile, laughter , tears, even anger you brought me. Thank you for every feelings you brought upon that i’ve never felt so strong before. Thank you. 

I can never say i didn’t hope to be part of your life, to be beside you, to be somebody who you could lean upon, i can say that is one hell of a ridiculous dream, but i know you have people you could rely upon, your brothers, family, us. I enjoy being part of the sapphire blue sea, screaming your name, shedding tears, my senses tell me, it is more than a bliss to have somebody for me to love, or perhaps it has already exceed the love a fan should have for their idol, but i don’t want to change anything, i just wish to walk through this with you, facing the future we’ll never know what happens. 

I’ll end this letter with a simple wish, that’s for you to be happy, love, have a happy birthday. 

Love, 

Vivi.